As I meandered the blogosphere, I found a gem. She has a great sense of humor, writes well,
and relates darling anecdotes of newly married life that draw you in, but don't gross you out at
the sheer amount of detail (you know, those people who tell you the time of day they pee and such).
Anyway, I read this post and it reminded me of what my dear friend Karlie said just yesterday.
The opening lines of Kara's post made me laugh out loud. Sometimes I think I'm so smart. I'm 18, I'm finally starting my life, right? More and more I'm realizing that I am so wrong. Just like Kara, I feel like I'm waiting for this perfect time of my life because I'll finally know what lies ahead of me, finally be in control of my life.
I know life isn't going to be easier just because I'm on my own, but I still want to believe that I'll magically know what I'm to do. Just like Kara, I just know I'm going to travel and find myself before I get married, and that's going to take a long time. I feel so determined to break the BYU marriage cycle that I've made myself sick worrying that what lies ahead of me isn't what I'm meant to have.
Now that I've confused myself and any one else out there (and feel bad because I talk about this all the time), I'll tell you where Kar comes in.
I'm like Kara in the first half of her story, but there are no guarantees that the second half will be mine as well. Karlie's post is something that we've shared with each other in passing, but have spent plenty of time pondering on our own. For me, there are no guarantees, except that I know everything will be okay. I have screamed and cried at all the times that I didn't know where my decisions would take me. I felt sick that maybe my ignorance at the time of most importance (I thought) would cost me a good education and my perfect future.
Karlie never wanted to go to USU. I was absolutely not going to BYU. I didn't want to be that person. I was going to settle on the northeastern coast and be big. I was going to earn high class respect. Then one day I decided to stop researching every single university. I was going to apply and if it didn't work, I would figure something out.
Like I've mentioned before, I made my decision, I'm happy right now, and I still have no clue where I'm going in life. The fact that what's good for me now may not be good for me in a year used to turn my life upside down. Now I'm almost settled and I'm many many states from where I thought I'd be.
This is my epiphany:
After looking back at the way I make big decisions and having lovely chats with my two oldest and wise sisters on the beach, I now know what I knew I knew before, and what my mother lovingly told me after every meltdown: I will be okay. It will all work out.
Part II: An explanation of why I feel the way I do & how I got there, coming soon.