my nieces like to steal my phone and take super artistic photos.

+ i love my flannel.

it recently ripped on the elbow

(because it's ridiculously & perfectly soft & worn),

so it's time to explore my local thrift shops.

+ i'm getting really good at taking power naps in between jobs.

+ speaking of, the irony:

at one job i smell like fetal pigs,

and at the other i smell like all of the good smells.

also, i love working for bath & body.

it really is a blast, and i never thought i'd say that about retail.

+ because of the holiday craziness, i had about $100 dollars extra this week.

should have saved it, but i got home tonight and spent about $175 of it...

i can't say no to free shipping.

i don't even care.

i deserve it.

+ i've had a few really interesting conversations about being mormon since i've been here.

by interesting, i mean hilarious and slightly concerning.

also, i should tell you about the differences in the single's ward. 

oh my.

+ i'm constantly too tired to do/say/write anything coherently.

except think about where i need to travel asap.

+ i want a puppy.

how do people buy homes and live in them for 30 years? 

that's something i really cannot even fathom. now, or ever, it seems like.

that's a huge commitment! 

being somewhere, and really being there (to maintain sanity) forever.

i'm not good at being somewhere. maybe i'm better than i think?

but i just really want to be everywhere right now.

i got these moccs in west yellowstone, where i would kill to be right now. but they take me on errands in the beautiful fall weather (even though i'd like a bit of utah fall too), and they take me to the playground with my niece.

in high school, whenever i needed to chill out and calm down, i would go swing.

sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself.

it still helps. there's something weirdly reflective about swinging at a park.

and that day i thought about being.

and i'm really glad i can be here right now.

best sunday

I was five minutes late to church this morning.

That hasn't happened before (and shouldn't since my ward doesn't start until 2:30),

but I walked in at the awkward point when the hymn wasn't over,

but I still hadn't sat down when the prayer began. 

So I sat by myself and I was feeling really awkward about it because there were

four rows of people behind me sitting by themselves also.

But then we were singing and the fire alarm went off.

A few verses in we decided we should maybe go outside.

And then the firetruck showed up, which was really exciting for some little boys hanging around.

It was pretty chilly outside, but SO beautiful. 

When the angry elf firemen left 15 minutes later, the alarm was still blaring.

I still don't know why they left? I guess it wasn't their problem.

We decided to finish the Sacrament and then head to the bishops house to have food early. 

You know we were all excited about that.

We gathered under some trees in the parking lot and stood in fake pew rows, 

and it was kind of awesome.

We were reminded that we would probably never have sacrament in the parking lot again.

That's true, but I wish it wasn't, because it was perfect.

And then I read Austenland tonight which gave me maybe one too many feels, but that's fine.

I would like to clarify that missing church was not cause for the best Sunday, but you know it helped a little. 

It was just a really great fall day.

sunday

+ it's possible to have a testimony without living it. but don't. now is the time to become truly converted. and then we converted again and again and again. (oscarson)

+ it's hard to endure with a weak testimony. gotsta get my spirit in shape. (maynes)

+ satan will use guilt to lure you into his "power." you know you have a guilty conscious, so watch out. we all need the atonement. share truths every day. (scott)

*commercial break to wonder if any man will speak about me like pres. monson does of frances. prolly not. 

+ do not rebel, but question and learn and discuss. do good things and never underestimate your power. also, i would like for my house to be more than "grandma's house." that felt weird to me. (cook)

+ this is exactly what i wrote in my journal: attend all your mtgs, yo. even lame YSA stuff... (hamilton)

+ we don't know everything. priesthood holders need to ask women for help with more than food and babysitting. we know stuff. (andersen)

+ make sure you have a personal, spiritual experience with material before teaching it. (mcconkie)

+ the aging process is a gift. this Gospel is a gospel of Christ's love. (nelson)

there were a few things i didn't share, but that i really appreciated feeling & hearing at this point in my life. i feel reassured, and also something else that i can't quite put my finger on. can you be sad about being relieved about something? i don't know. maybe we'll talk about those things one day.

but do you ever get really sad when the prophet is all "see ya in six months" and you realize the countdown started over and that's a long time? oh.

maybe it's just cause i have to wait that long for cinnamon rolls. ours were pumpkin.

1 & 2

we already know how much i loved what i learned from elder hales.
these are a few of my favorite insights mostly from saturday:

+ exercise roles in relationships righteously & awesomely. aka, be the best daughter, sister, aunt, friend ever. (stephens)

+ gratitude is a spiritual gift, but we have to practice it to gain it. (bednar)

+ members of the Church are not perfect. the culture is not perfect. but Christ and His Gospel are perfect & His doctrine is pure. there is a place for everyone in the Church, but in this case, we need to practice what we preach. (uchtdorf)

+ seek truth & righteousness. and if you have to do that by listening to your heart instead of everyone around you, that is okay. (packer)

+ we need to be good, y'all. so so good. and kind, compassionate, respectful, understanding to all. we are commanded to. and we are trying to be like our Savior who is perfect in all those things, so why would we not? i have a problem with thinking and being not those things to people who are not good to other people. it's an issue. all relationships require work, so have the companionship of the Holy Ghost always. (christofferson, eyring, oaks)

+ pray for others. for everyone, but especially local missionaries, my friends on missions, and those currently being converted. i say that because we all are being converted, whether we are baptized or not! (nielsen)

+ more compassion! never lose faith. listen to your body & heart & mind & spirit. seek treatment and advice.  
so maybe i should go back to therapy... charity never faileth. (holland)

+ sharing the gospel should be easy because it's our life! make it simple, make is comfortable. by being myself, i should be sharing the gospel constantly. (ballard)

#ldsconf

the hashtag & the actual meetings are both my favorite. i've been looking forward to the #twitterstake for weeks.

let me start by saying that i approached conference this weekend very differently than i did in april. and it was so interesting. it wasn't a conscious decision, but i do know it was inspired because i got more out of these meetings for myself than i think i ever have. 

in april, the so-called mormon feminist "movement" was beginning to manifest itself to the public. i decided that in addition to my normal notes, i was going to make a list of things that maybe rubbed me the wrong way or that i didn't understand during conference so i could work through them later. i did, and it was incredible. i learned so much. i'm still learning from those things. it was the moment i finally realized that i could have questions, and that questions were good. 

so yes, i consider myself a feminist. i mean, as women, aren't we all? however, moderation in all things.

so that was good. but i noticed that i still felt a little angsty. i think it was a mix of where i was (physically, mentally, spiritually) and me trying to figure out how that fit into the Church/serving with other members who feel very differently than i.

anyway, when elder hales was the first speaker saturday morning and he spoke about modern scripture & revelation and that was EXACTLY what we discussed in sunday school and fhe last week & what i've been thinking about pretty much nonstop for the last 6 days, 

i knew i had to put it into practice right that second. for all four sessions (still have to get to relief society/priesthood), i only wrote down my feelings & any personal revelation i had for me, on the topic.

no quotes (i could get them from twitter later, duh), no stories or lists, nothing that would seem so obvious to record.

and y'all, it was easy. and it was amazing. i maybe wrote less, but it means more and i will actually understand when i go back to read my notes. it seems almost silly now. shouldn't i have been doing this all along? i can read more later, but i always want to remember how i feel in the moment.

i'm so grateful for both of these experiences this year. 

they were both worked, because i learned something.

and learning is good!

I spent a day in August not packing, but being awesome on twitter, so:

@ercraftcarrier
Instead of doing things I'm supposed to, I just came up with an unnecessarily long list of things I want out of life. And now, I will share:

I want to date someone way hotter than me to confuse that one friend who cares too much about that stuff.

I want to appreciate eating my feelings because feelings are good and those eats taste great.

I want, for just one day, to be able to tell everyone what I'm thinking and not care about the consequences.

I want to have to work for what I have, but I want to have more than I need. Your money talk isn't inspirational, it's whiny.

I want to meet a guy who doesn't care that I despise hiking.

I want to teach my kids that they can be happy & healthy (phys&emo) just how they are, so when they have friends like her, they won't hurt.

I want to never regret a late afternoon nap.

I want to marry someone older than me to prove to my peeps that it's not weird.

hashtag new girl problems

one of my managers called me tonight and said they didn't need me to come in for my shift after all.

"enjoy your friday night," she said.

if it wasn't so sad, it would be hilarious.

no, it's still funny.

but i have had literally no social life for the past 6 weeks.

i love hanging out with my family, but i'm getting to that point.

so i'm in my pjs and online shopping by 8:30, as per uzh. 

how do we spell uzh? ushe? youzhe? 

about 3 weeks ago, i started working at bath & body works.

it's a job.

9 months of job searching in provo got me nothing, 

and here, i had two offers at the end of one week.

i actually don't hate it, and I feel blessed to have it. 

but it's not perfect.

so i'm looking for another part-time to fill my time, i guess. 

i was kind of hoping i'd be able to relax on the job front once i found something.

looking for a job is a job by itself. 

now would be a good time to be crafty enough to sell things.

anyway. i've gotten to babysit for my brother's kids a few times,

which is super fun because they are moving soon!

the perfect combination of cash money and people i love.

if you don't have instagram, this is how cute they are:

(i made the second one to show my friend how they say certain russian words)

i'm doing that church thing, of course, so that gives me some things to do.

i've written a bit about byu single's wards before, and i could write even more about mine here. 

i will one day. 

i've also done a little, but not enough, of this:

and super cliche, but i cannot believe how fast this month is going. i've almost lived here a month!

where i've been

tonight is the kind of night that makes me miss provo.

well. actually, i'm very much enjoying my alone time, 

but it's the rooftop concert
and there's something ridiculously magical about the beginning of the end of summer in provo.

but now i'm all (kinda) settled in in virginia, 

and there was a slight chill in the air today that made me real excited for the next few months.

i thought this move would provide more clarity. not answers, just ideas.

i've only been here for two weeks, so i'm sure it will,
but it's hard to not have questions about my timing.

but i'll be wearing sweaters soon, so nothing else matters.

birthday picnics and instax

my friend lexi is amazing. lit'rally.
she is so talented and generous and loving and genuine.

and lesbehonest, way cooler than me.

and she turned 18!

so she threw a picnic and made caprese salad and pina colada and it was sweet and totally picture perfect.

'murrica.

the holiday weekend started with a trip to cville and a patriotic photo recreation.

july 4, 2010/july 3, 2013

we're adorable.

i don't even know, but i love this girl.

and utah has pretty great fireworks. 

(when there aren't restrictions!)

we drove back to ptown late late full on in n out.

and i had the hardest time waking up in the morning, but i did it!

and i saw my very first and probably very last freedom festival parade.

and it was very long.

so we got in the pool and napped and shopped for a picnic.

and i got no decent pictures of that picnic, but it was fun and it was magical.

i love my friends.

and i love fireworks.

(i love them a lot. i usually cry. wooo 'murrica!)

happy summer solstice!

one day,

 not so long ago, 

we had a summer solstice eve/summer solstice party.

the night of the 20th we drove up provo canyon, 

and watched a scary movie!

(house at the end of the street)

all four of us watched in the back of my car.

let me tell you how comfortable that was.

it's okay.

we like each other.

then friday morning we woke up at 5 and drove to the saratoga hot springs to watch the sunrise!

we waited a long time.

i forget that the sun has lots of extra feet to climb before we can see it here.

no sea level ish.

anyway. we all got less grumpy and took a dip in the springs.

and then i went back to bed.

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story time

One time I was in California, and we were walking the Huntington Beach pier.

I saw a group of people: an Asian news reporter & an Asian cameraman, interviewing an Asian man, and there may or may not have been some observers (who were Asian).

And I said,
"Guys! Maybe we'll be on Asian television!"

And Kyle said,
"Um, that's ABC News."

And it totally was.

via

I am really good at this.

If someone was to ask me about my talents, one of the only things I could say is that I've learned to

say no.

I do not do things that I don't want to do.

I've gotten a little too good at this?

Like, I think it's inhibiting my growth a little.

I'm good at keeping myself happy, 

but it's limited some of my experiences (cause I'm scared).

Help?

---

Also, every personality test I take says I'm an extrovert.

I was positive that that had changed since I went to college.

But it didn't. I'm actually on the E/I line on the Meyer's Briggs test.

Anyway, that really helps my talent.

I'm good at being alone. I don't mind much if people do things without me.

I do enjoy meeting new people, but it helps to have a wingman.

But then I get lost behind that wing.

I'm not loud enough to be heard.

Just having some thoughts about change.

#bestdecisionweevermade, pt. 2

...

Disneyland! We went to Disneyland! Well. Downtown Disney.

Brittany hit her head on the tram, 

we watched fireworks!

and we went to all the stores.

(Steph and the lovely Hava who got us in to the parks for cheap!)

The following is a series of me double fisting dinner (b'fast wich and fries) at midnight at Jack in the Box.

I just really can't handle how cute I am.

We got home and all had to shower. In one shower.

So we were exhausted and up for way too long.

Kyle fell asleep on our floor. Again.

Saturday morning we got up so early to go to Disneyland!

We look pretty happy for not a lot of sleep.

Britt did not hit her head on the tram this time.

Saturday was May the Fourth (be with you),

so naturally Chewie came with us.

The first ride of the day was the Radiator Springs Racers! SO CUTE. Ridiculously fun. Loved it.

Then we rode more rides, ate foods, Britt took pictures and I didn't. Stuff like that.

BUT THEN.

My roommate Andrea got engaged!

We all knew it was happening (except her), but I kept forgetting, then remembering.

It was all so exciting.

Cameron snuck away to buy them tshirts that would seal the deal,

then Ben snuck away to put his on before the big moment.

There was a lot of sneaking.

We stopped to take a group picture in front of the castle,

then took one of our favorite couple, then BAM.

(BAM means I started crying cause duh).

The man sitting in the back was thrilled. 

It was really fun for them to have everyone stop and cheer.

It was a perfect Bendrea engagement.

Once that was done, I went and got my first Dole whip! 

I got a float. Delicious. And real messy.

Star Tours!(?) May the fourth be with you.

And my hairs after Splash Mountain.

NEMO! 

Where a recently released bishop made Brittany a little flustered when he asked what church we go to.

Where Kyle discussed the Jungle Cruise vs. Nemo and commercialism at Disney.

It was adorable. And real nice to sit down.

I love Squirt.

While we waited for Fantasmic, we rode all the kid rides.

Storybook Land was delightfully punny and sweet.

When we passed under that sparkly arch, I decided that if I HAD to get engaged at Disneyland

(cause y'all know I'd never choose that), 

that it would be under that arch, or during the fireworks.

 

(Stephanie left to buy a churro and came back with 4.)

Favorite story of the trip time!

 I started being tired at like 3. And I was ready to quit at 4.

So at 11.30 while we were watching everyone shop, I was like beyond all exhaustion.

Brittany was looking for Nemo souvenirs, so while I was passionately pointing towards a mug, 

I accidentally hit a water bottle out of an old woman's hand. 

I apologized and she went on her way, but this is the kicker:

Kyle grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled after the woman, 

apologizing for me.

Can you just picture it? I'm cry-laughing and Kyle is yelling "I'm so sorry!"

Admittedly, it probably is only that funny if you were watching.

But I was dying.

That's all. This is everyone dead at the end of the night.

Then all the sudden it was Sunday morning and we left.

We listened to Adele for 3 hours, I drove through Vegas for the first time, 

and we ended the night pulling into Provo to the sweet sweet sound of Macklemore.

It was perfect.

So perfect that I'm not even apologizing for how long this is.

I did it again.

when your roommate does hair...

one day I'll have a house to redecorate or a baby to dress up when I'm bored, right?

#bestdecisionweevermade, pt. 1

It is hard to write about happy things and I don't know why. It has taken me entirely too long.

On the 2nd of May, Brittany and I tricked some boys into driving us to the SLC airport (donuts were the trick).

Juan was at the gate next to ours. He was headed back to Colombia. 

He hugged us and cried a little when he left. And asked us to take care of his boys (in our ward). He's great.

I then declared that morning, the airplane, the trip itself, everything, the best decision we ever made. And it stuck. I really couldn't get over it the whole weekend. For some reason (and the reason was not Disney Land), the whole weekend was ridiculously magical. Ridiculous.

Anyway. We got on the plane. I sat next to a young man who hates flying. Like a lot.

A short hour and a half later we landed in LONG BEACH! Which, by the way, may be the cutest and most magical airport I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of airports. It was all outside! And the palm trees! It made me miss home a little. 

Kyle, whose family so graciously let a bunch of college students stay at their house, picked us up from the airport and the party started continued. The rest of our group started driving when we went to the airport so we had like six hours to kill. (Target may have been involved once or twice.)

So we went to Huntington Beach! Magic! I literally could not handle myself. We barely talked the whole drive down the PCH. PCH! Anyway. We walked the whole pier, went and got tacos (fish for me, of course), then laid out for a while. I'm 95% sure that's what my heaven will be like. Pure joy. The other 5% is the guy who insisted on tanning his bum crack.

Then we went grocery shopping for our barbecue to welcome the others to CA. We're so domestic.

Even if we walk past the bread twice. Chippies!

Dinner. Pool/Jacuzzi. Aladdin. And by Aladdin, I mean, I fell asleep on the floor and somehow found my way to the air mattress.  

Friday we drove to Crystal Cove State Park. It was the rockiest beach I've ever been to and it was gorgeous. I got hot like I always do and we took a lunch break at the Shake Shack/Baja Fresh.

Then we went to a different section of the park that included a cozy walk under the highway. It was gorgeous again. But then it got cold, so we went home to change.

And we went to... (!!!)