continued

I have this strange habit of having therapy sessions with myself.  What I've discovered is that I have felt inadequate for a long time.  I'm not sure if this stems from being the really youngest child, but it doesn't help because I don't feel like people take me seriously.  More often than not, my complaint to my mom is that I just want to be taken seriously.

I think my issues with choosing a school, and a major, and a career and all the little decisions in between are that I'm confronted by those who think I'm not capable to do so.  That definitely weakens my self esteem, and it shows.  

I wanted to go to Berkeley.  I was going to study Environmental Design and live close to my sister.  I was going to walk around the most beautiful campus in the world, and I was going to change the world. At least the world I live in.  

Then a comment from a well-meaning, but not too helpful guidance counselor changed my mind.  It made me think that it wasn't worth it to try, that people would look down on me if I didn't get in, and that Berkeley and I would never be a good match.  That was that.

At a BYU orientation, a smart, but not well-meaning, not too helpful head of a college lady told me my dream major/minor combo didn't make sense.  That because she had been in this field a long time (read: long) it wasn't going to work.  I dreamed of helping the earth while helping the earth's people and she told me it wasn't plausible.  So, I stopped asking questions, I stopped searching for ways to make my dream work.

I've wanted to be a dancer and a singer and a writer, and while I still participate in and love those things, there's a part of me that will never appreciate those things the way I did because of the way people treated me.

I have a nasty habit of saying "one day."  One day I'll do this because someone will be there to appreciate it.  One day I'll be who I want to be.  Another nasty habit is that I feel like I have to accomplish something grand, something just for me before I can earn respect.

This is my second epiphany: I know who I am and, for the most part, I love the parts of me that I see, but others don't.  I appreciate the good things that others see, but I never want their sympathy or pity when I say what's on my mind.

So here I am.  I'm feeling raw and exposed, but happy.
I may not always believe that I deserve what I do.
I may not always be sane.
Just give me my time and in the end,
I'll know what I always knew I knew.

[insert epiphany here]

On the drive home from the big city tonight, I wasted time reading blogs on le phone.
As I meandered the blogosphere, I found a gem.  She has a great sense of humor, writes well,
and relates darling anecdotes of newly married life that draw you in, but don't gross you out at
the sheer amount of detail (you know, those people who tell you the time of day they pee and such).

Anyway, I read this post and it reminded me of what my dear friend Karlie said just yesterday.
The opening lines of Kara's post made me laugh out loud.  Sometimes I think I'm so smart.  I'm 18, I'm finally starting my life, right?  More and more I'm realizing that I am so wrong.  Just like Kara, I feel like I'm waiting for this perfect time of my life because I'll finally know what lies ahead of me, finally be in control of my life.

I know life isn't going to be easier just because I'm on my own, but I still want to believe that I'll magically know what I'm to do.  Just like Kara, I just know I'm going to travel and find myself before I get married, and that's going to take a long time.  I feel so determined to break the BYU marriage cycle that I've made myself sick worrying that what lies ahead of me isn't what I'm meant to have.

Now that I've confused myself and any one else out there (and feel bad because I talk about this all the time), I'll tell you where Kar comes in.

I'm like Kara in the first half of her story, but there are no guarantees that the second half will be mine as well.  Karlie's post is something that we've shared with each other in passing, but have spent plenty of time pondering on our own.  For me, there are no guarantees, except that I know everything will be okay.  I have screamed and cried at all the times that I didn't know where my decisions would take me.  I felt sick that maybe my ignorance at the time of most importance (I thought) would cost me a good education and my perfect future.

Karlie never wanted to go to USU.  I was absolutely not going to BYU.  I didn't want to be that person.   I was going to settle on the northeastern coast and be big.  I was going to earn high class respect.  Then one day I decided to stop researching every single university.  I was going to apply and if it didn't work, I would figure something out.

Like I've mentioned before, I made my decision, I'm happy right now, and I still have no clue where I'm going in life.  The fact that what's good for me now may not be good for me in a year used to turn my life upside down.  Now I'm almost settled and I'm many many states from where I thought I'd be.

This is my epiphany: I just wanted to write this so you'd listen to me again and think I'm all deep and stuff.
After looking back at the way I make big decisions and having lovely chats with my two oldest and wise sisters on the beach, I now know what I knew I knew before, and what my mother lovingly told me after every meltdown: I will be okay.  It will all work out.

Part II: An explanation of why I feel the way I do & how I got there, coming soon.

the culinary genius speaks

dude.  DUDE. 

This moon (morning/noon ish), I was like "hmmm... lunch?" and then "veggie burger?" and then "no way I'm eating another gross soy burger, I want some substance up in here!"

SO.

I took a can of black beans, a red onion, a red bell pepper, corn, an egg, cumin, garlic salt & red pepper flakes.

I smushed the beans in a bowl, and used my wise eye to throw in the perfect amount of the other ingredients.  

Throw it on some olive oil in a heated skillet and let it sit long enough that it won't fall apart when you flip (≥ 5 min for me).

I didn't have any avocado, which sounded delicious, but I made a bomb sammy.

I toasted some whole grain bread, spread some Sun Dried Tomato & Basil Laughing Cow on each side, topped with cucumber and red bell pepper on each side, and smashed that little burger in the very middle.

Oh my.  It was so good that I may have another one for dinner.

And I was too distracted to take a picture, so go make your own and document better than I do.

You're welcome.

I spy...

Every time I come home, 

I end up on an accidental scavenger hunt

to find all the new things around my house.

This summer, it's the Crusher!™

A great addition to any pantry, this device aids your every need!

Crush aluminum cans to a fraction of their original size!

Perfect for saving space in your kitchen trash and simple recycling!

Now available for one easy payment of $19.99!

But really, this is one handy gadget.

yeah, yeah

Aight, so here's the deal.
I've sat down to do this so many times
in the past couple days and for some reason,
I couldn't.

I'm determined because I need
to document this summer
before it's over and I forget.

I may just need to invest in the
BlogPress app, so I can keep up.

So, around here summer kind of looks like this:

FL bugs

FL thunderstorms

shopping online

for textbooks

and quilts

and making trips to Tally

to spend the gift cards that totally fried my wallet,

spend quality time with sister and fam,

attend the single's ward,

and see HP, of course!

(Tallahassee Mall is super classy)

I decided against a separate HP post, 

because I'm speechless.

I mean, I loved it.  

Neville's hot.

The Epilogue was beautiful.

It was perfectly intense, sweet, and hilarious.

But other than that, 

I'm too happy to form any eloquent judgement.

no camera cord exists in my home, 

so you get to deal with iPhone photos this summer.

I need a new camera.

expecto patronu--whaaa??

It's over. It's been over, but seeing it outside of my head makes it more real. Ropert (Ron/Rupert) is a beautiful man. I cried. I laughed at inappropriate times--stress giggles. I got angry. So many emotions! It was special.

On our way home we saw a scary accident. It made me grateful for my life. And made me pray that we'd make it home.

I've been thinking about life. During a very deep discussion about love with my 15 year old niece, I came up with a happy/happiest theory. Remind me to tell you about it.

I'm stalking Alec Baldwin on twitter.

All of these things made me wish I could tell people what I really feel. If I knew I'd never see someone again, I know exactly what I'd tell them. Why can't I do it frealz?

I'm such a cheeseball.

the suspense is killing you, I know,

so here's a sneak peek at my Russian experience:

tastes a little salt & vinegar-y, a wee little crabby

tastes like butter

Those Russians like their Lay's.

home is wherever i'm with you

I'm home!  And boy, do I have lots to catch you up on.

My trip was amazing--I am so grateful that I'm able to travel and seeing family made it even better.

But first, I want to tell you about something new & exciting, for me at least.

Inspired by the Busy Bee herself, I'm going raw!  Well, partially raw.  You know, I'm not even sure how to define it yet, but I'm somewhere in between vegetarian, vegan  & raw.  

At this point, this is what I'm thinking: gluten free, no meat (occasional fish), very limited processed foods, limited dairy (I need my yogurt--even though I take acidophilus every day, I gotta have probiotics), and lots and lots of whole fruits and veggies.

The reason I decided not to go completely raw, and why I'm having issues defining what I'm doing, is because I'm 18, it's expensive, time consuming and I don't have very many available resources for super hip food right now.  So, I think this is perfect for me.

This is what I ate today:

Breakfast-

the most disgusting looking, most delicious smoothie.

a peach, banana, some blueberries, spinach, almond milk.

Lunch-

a small avocado, a huge carrot, and a few rye crackers.

didn't even finish the whole avocado, but it was oh so good 

mashed on the cracker and on the carrots.

I'm already surprised by how fast I fill up.

Dinner-

Boca burger over a slice of munster cheese and romaine w/

part of a red bell pepper and 4 huge, sweet strawberries & Greek yogurt.

I felt like I needed something to spice up the burger, so I added the cheese.

big mistake.  already, I noticed how much heavier I felt inside after

eating only whole foods all day.

This is definitely going to be a series of adjustments, but I'm ready.

Stay tuned for all things Russian!