the answers

[part one]

I have none.

I'm buying a lot of round trip tickets this year.

Who knew living paycheck to paycheck was so fun?

Moral of my story:

It's hard, but absolutely good.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway.

photo credit: Ahlstrom Productions

the question

By December 31, I will have visited Utah four times in 2014. 

The number of days spent in its borders hovers around one month. 

Why don't you just move back?

When are you moving back?

Just move back.

I hate to even say I'm visiting because I'm forced to remember I don't belong.

Not right now.

That fact isn't inherently bad. 

I have a home that I love.

It's just that I have many homes that I love.

photo credit: Ahlstrom Productions

My sterile, rented walls act as a vision board. Words barely held up by polka dot tape.

"I have left my heart in so many places"

Each time my calendar turns, I take a moment to feel completely. Usually it's awe—a ridiculous composite of wonder and fear. It's almost a spiritual experience, and to be honest, it occurs more frequently than on the first of the month.

Whenever I stop and let my brain do its thing, I hear the same string of observations:
"It's November? This year went by so fast. My life is insane. What am I doing? This might be the best year yet, though. I DON'T EVEN KNOW."

And this all happens in two seconds.

It may be a little early to recap and reflect on this year, but I really am constantly in awe (wonder and fear) of what is happening.

The fear stems from my understanding that I have not grown as much as I could have in the past year, that many personal goals remain unmet, and that many days host uncertainty.


Ah, but here's the wonder: somehow, regardless of the facts above, I'm still living my life. And it is good. Good should never be a first-rate descriptor for something so beautiful, but there are so many feelings involved that it's hard to know where to begin. So, good it is.

Wonderful things are still happening to me. At some point during each slight mental breakdown regarding what the hell I'm doing with my life, I realize that I just have to do it however I know best.

I've always said my life motto is "fake it til you make it." But this year, I had an epiphany.

No one knows what they're doing, ever. Adults have lied for centuries about knowing exactly how to navigate this life. Laugh if you must at this hyperbole, but recognize that truth, and live your life.

So, that is what I'm doing.

I started my new job 8 days ago.
Training is three solid weeks of me using my brain more than I did in college. All day, every day.
Except for weekends. And today.

The point is, I'm tired, but slightly less stressed than I was 8 days ago. We're all good.

Today I get to do all the things I don't have time to do for the next week and a half.
Like running. And getting my pool pass! And trying to figure out what to pack for lunch.
I'm also planning to get a mall massage and a pedicure, cause treat yo self.

Here's my problem with pedicures: the exact same conversation occurs every time.
"Why are your nails so short/little?"
"That's just how they are."
"You should grow them out."
"They don't really get any longer than that (also, that's gross)..."
*continues staring at my toes*
"So can I get a discount for my baby toes?'
*various death stares*

I guess I'm not funny.

legality: the final frontier

21, yo.

i got my hair did,

ate lunch at sweetgreen,

and shopped too much.

and then i watched pitch perfect at home with my sister.

it was not what i pictured 21 to be.

but it was happy.

and happy is all i asked for.

sunday

+ it's possible to have a testimony without living it. but don't. now is the time to become truly converted. and then we converted again and again and again. (oscarson)

+ it's hard to endure with a weak testimony. gotsta get my spirit in shape. (maynes)

+ satan will use guilt to lure you into his "power." you know you have a guilty conscious, so watch out. we all need the atonement. share truths every day. (scott)

*commercial break to wonder if any man will speak about me like pres. monson does of frances. prolly not. 

+ do not rebel, but question and learn and discuss. do good things and never underestimate your power. also, i would like for my house to be more than "grandma's house." that felt weird to me. (cook)

+ this is exactly what i wrote in my journal: attend all your mtgs, yo. even lame YSA stuff... (hamilton)

+ we don't know everything. priesthood holders need to ask women for help with more than food and babysitting. we know stuff. (andersen)

+ make sure you have a personal, spiritual experience with material before teaching it. (mcconkie)

+ the aging process is a gift. this Gospel is a gospel of Christ's love. (nelson)

there were a few things i didn't share, but that i really appreciated feeling & hearing at this point in my life. i feel reassured, and also something else that i can't quite put my finger on. can you be sad about being relieved about something? i don't know. maybe we'll talk about those things one day.

but do you ever get really sad when the prophet is all "see ya in six months" and you realize the countdown started over and that's a long time? oh.

maybe it's just cause i have to wait that long for cinnamon rolls. ours were pumpkin.

1 & 2

we already know how much i loved what i learned from elder hales.
these are a few of my favorite insights mostly from saturday:

+ exercise roles in relationships righteously & awesomely. aka, be the best daughter, sister, aunt, friend ever. (stephens)

+ gratitude is a spiritual gift, but we have to practice it to gain it. (bednar)

+ members of the Church are not perfect. the culture is not perfect. but Christ and His Gospel are perfect & His doctrine is pure. there is a place for everyone in the Church, but in this case, we need to practice what we preach. (uchtdorf)

+ seek truth & righteousness. and if you have to do that by listening to your heart instead of everyone around you, that is okay. (packer)

+ we need to be good, y'all. so so good. and kind, compassionate, respectful, understanding to all. we are commanded to. and we are trying to be like our Savior who is perfect in all those things, so why would we not? i have a problem with thinking and being not those things to people who are not good to other people. it's an issue. all relationships require work, so have the companionship of the Holy Ghost always. (christofferson, eyring, oaks)

+ pray for others. for everyone, but especially local missionaries, my friends on missions, and those currently being converted. i say that because we all are being converted, whether we are baptized or not! (nielsen)

+ more compassion! never lose faith. listen to your body & heart & mind & spirit. seek treatment and advice.  
so maybe i should go back to therapy... charity never faileth. (holland)

+ sharing the gospel should be easy because it's our life! make it simple, make is comfortable. by being myself, i should be sharing the gospel constantly. (ballard)

#ldsconf

the hashtag & the actual meetings are both my favorite. i've been looking forward to the #twitterstake for weeks.

let me start by saying that i approached conference this weekend very differently than i did in april. and it was so interesting. it wasn't a conscious decision, but i do know it was inspired because i got more out of these meetings for myself than i think i ever have. 

in april, the so-called mormon feminist "movement" was beginning to manifest itself to the public. i decided that in addition to my normal notes, i was going to make a list of things that maybe rubbed me the wrong way or that i didn't understand during conference so i could work through them later. i did, and it was incredible. i learned so much. i'm still learning from those things. it was the moment i finally realized that i could have questions, and that questions were good. 

so yes, i consider myself a feminist. i mean, as women, aren't we all? however, moderation in all things.

so that was good. but i noticed that i still felt a little angsty. i think it was a mix of where i was (physically, mentally, spiritually) and me trying to figure out how that fit into the Church/serving with other members who feel very differently than i.

anyway, when elder hales was the first speaker saturday morning and he spoke about modern scripture & revelation and that was EXACTLY what we discussed in sunday school and fhe last week & what i've been thinking about pretty much nonstop for the last 6 days, 

i knew i had to put it into practice right that second. for all four sessions (still have to get to relief society/priesthood), i only wrote down my feelings & any personal revelation i had for me, on the topic.

no quotes (i could get them from twitter later, duh), no stories or lists, nothing that would seem so obvious to record.

and y'all, it was easy. and it was amazing. i maybe wrote less, but it means more and i will actually understand when i go back to read my notes. it seems almost silly now. shouldn't i have been doing this all along? i can read more later, but i always want to remember how i feel in the moment.

i'm so grateful for both of these experiences this year. 

they were both worked, because i learned something.

and learning is good!

about 3 weeks ago, i started working at bath & body works.

it's a job.

9 months of job searching in provo got me nothing, 

and here, i had two offers at the end of one week.

i actually don't hate it, and I feel blessed to have it. 

but it's not perfect.

so i'm looking for another part-time to fill my time, i guess. 

i was kind of hoping i'd be able to relax on the job front once i found something.

looking for a job is a job by itself. 

now would be a good time to be crafty enough to sell things.

anyway. i've gotten to babysit for my brother's kids a few times,

which is super fun because they are moving soon!

the perfect combination of cash money and people i love.

if you don't have instagram, this is how cute they are:

(i made the second one to show my friend how they say certain russian words)

i'm doing that church thing, of course, so that gives me some things to do.

i've written a bit about byu single's wards before, and i could write even more about mine here. 

i will one day. 

i've also done a little, but not enough, of this:

and super cliche, but i cannot believe how fast this month is going. i've almost lived here a month!

via

I am really good at this.

If someone was to ask me about my talents, one of the only things I could say is that I've learned to

say no.

I do not do things that I don't want to do.

I've gotten a little too good at this?

Like, I think it's inhibiting my growth a little.

I'm good at keeping myself happy, 

but it's limited some of my experiences (cause I'm scared).

Help?

---

Also, every personality test I take says I'm an extrovert.

I was positive that that had changed since I went to college.

But it didn't. I'm actually on the E/I line on the Meyer's Briggs test.

Anyway, that really helps my talent.

I'm good at being alone. I don't mind much if people do things without me.

I do enjoy meeting new people, but it helps to have a wingman.

But then I get lost behind that wing.

I'm not loud enough to be heard.

Just having some thoughts about change.

#bestdecisionweevermade, pt. 2

...

Disneyland! We went to Disneyland! Well. Downtown Disney.

Brittany hit her head on the tram, 

we watched fireworks!

and we went to all the stores.

(Steph and the lovely Hava who got us in to the parks for cheap!)

The following is a series of me double fisting dinner (b'fast wich and fries) at midnight at Jack in the Box.

I just really can't handle how cute I am.

We got home and all had to shower. In one shower.

So we were exhausted and up for way too long.

Kyle fell asleep on our floor. Again.

Saturday morning we got up so early to go to Disneyland!

We look pretty happy for not a lot of sleep.

Britt did not hit her head on the tram this time.

Saturday was May the Fourth (be with you),

so naturally Chewie came with us.

The first ride of the day was the Radiator Springs Racers! SO CUTE. Ridiculously fun. Loved it.

Then we rode more rides, ate foods, Britt took pictures and I didn't. Stuff like that.

BUT THEN.

My roommate Andrea got engaged!

We all knew it was happening (except her), but I kept forgetting, then remembering.

It was all so exciting.

Cameron snuck away to buy them tshirts that would seal the deal,

then Ben snuck away to put his on before the big moment.

There was a lot of sneaking.

We stopped to take a group picture in front of the castle,

then took one of our favorite couple, then BAM.

(BAM means I started crying cause duh).

The man sitting in the back was thrilled. 

It was really fun for them to have everyone stop and cheer.

It was a perfect Bendrea engagement.

Once that was done, I went and got my first Dole whip! 

I got a float. Delicious. And real messy.

Star Tours!(?) May the fourth be with you.

And my hairs after Splash Mountain.

NEMO! 

Where a recently released bishop made Brittany a little flustered when he asked what church we go to.

Where Kyle discussed the Jungle Cruise vs. Nemo and commercialism at Disney.

It was adorable. And real nice to sit down.

I love Squirt.

While we waited for Fantasmic, we rode all the kid rides.

Storybook Land was delightfully punny and sweet.

When we passed under that sparkly arch, I decided that if I HAD to get engaged at Disneyland

(cause y'all know I'd never choose that), 

that it would be under that arch, or during the fireworks.

 

(Stephanie left to buy a churro and came back with 4.)

Favorite story of the trip time!

 I started being tired at like 3. And I was ready to quit at 4.

So at 11.30 while we were watching everyone shop, I was like beyond all exhaustion.

Brittany was looking for Nemo souvenirs, so while I was passionately pointing towards a mug, 

I accidentally hit a water bottle out of an old woman's hand. 

I apologized and she went on her way, but this is the kicker:

Kyle grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled after the woman, 

apologizing for me.

Can you just picture it? I'm cry-laughing and Kyle is yelling "I'm so sorry!"

Admittedly, it probably is only that funny if you were watching.

But I was dying.

That's all. This is everyone dead at the end of the night.

Then all the sudden it was Sunday morning and we left.

We listened to Adele for 3 hours, I drove through Vegas for the first time, 

and we ended the night pulling into Provo to the sweet sweet sound of Macklemore.

It was perfect.

So perfect that I'm not even apologizing for how long this is.

#bestdecisionweevermade, pt. 1

It is hard to write about happy things and I don't know why. It has taken me entirely too long.

On the 2nd of May, Brittany and I tricked some boys into driving us to the SLC airport (donuts were the trick).

Juan was at the gate next to ours. He was headed back to Colombia. 

He hugged us and cried a little when he left. And asked us to take care of his boys (in our ward). He's great.

I then declared that morning, the airplane, the trip itself, everything, the best decision we ever made. And it stuck. I really couldn't get over it the whole weekend. For some reason (and the reason was not Disney Land), the whole weekend was ridiculously magical. Ridiculous.

Anyway. We got on the plane. I sat next to a young man who hates flying. Like a lot.

A short hour and a half later we landed in LONG BEACH! Which, by the way, may be the cutest and most magical airport I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of airports. It was all outside! And the palm trees! It made me miss home a little. 

Kyle, whose family so graciously let a bunch of college students stay at their house, picked us up from the airport and the party started continued. The rest of our group started driving when we went to the airport so we had like six hours to kill. (Target may have been involved once or twice.)

So we went to Huntington Beach! Magic! I literally could not handle myself. We barely talked the whole drive down the PCH. PCH! Anyway. We walked the whole pier, went and got tacos (fish for me, of course), then laid out for a while. I'm 95% sure that's what my heaven will be like. Pure joy. The other 5% is the guy who insisted on tanning his bum crack.

Then we went grocery shopping for our barbecue to welcome the others to CA. We're so domestic.

Even if we walk past the bread twice. Chippies!

Dinner. Pool/Jacuzzi. Aladdin. And by Aladdin, I mean, I fell asleep on the floor and somehow found my way to the air mattress.  

Friday we drove to Crystal Cove State Park. It was the rockiest beach I've ever been to and it was gorgeous. I got hot like I always do and we took a lunch break at the Shake Shack/Baja Fresh.

Then we went to a different section of the park that included a cozy walk under the highway. It was gorgeous again. But then it got cold, so we went home to change.

And we went to... (!!!)

so many feels

Over Conference weekend I got to flip through the May issue of Reader's Digest, and I found a little article that I loved. 

"...Feeling Misunderstood Hurts, Literally:

When your sister doesn't get why it's so important that she attend your husband's party, it hurts--physically and emotionally. Researchers found that feeling misunderstood makes people less tolerant of physical pain. Those who felt they were perceived accurately during conversations with strangers were able to keep their hands in ice water longer (a common test of pain tolerance) than those who didn't feel understood. That's why being with someone who really gets you can make you feel ready to conquer the world."

It's just one of those "Did You Know..." one-pagers, but I got really excited because this is a thing! It may mean that I will hurt for the rest of my life, but now I understand. It's nice to be a little validated about your feelings.

and then all my friends were missionaries

Slowly, but surely, everyone I know is leaving me. 

It's awesome.

Jill went into the MTC at the end of January.

She's in NORWAY now.

We skyped the day before she left to pretend that we were still living together.

That's probably the best picture of us together, ever.

My oldest nephew Austin left the beginning of February and is now in MEXICO!

Tears and guilt from this proud aunt who has yet to write him.

Oops.

My dearest Kar Kar left me exactly one month ago today.

Soon the people of CALIFORNIA will have her, 

and love her just as much as I do.

(I had this whole bff photo thing planned, then we cried, so...)

2nd roomie Jess left for the SPAIN MTC on Monday.

Ooh, this girl is ready. I'm not even worried about her one bit.

I think I love missionary letters as much as my missionaries do.

My favorite Justin sent me a birthday letter all the way from the Philippines!

In this letter I found out that he contracted Dengue Fever in November and nobody told me.

I was freaking out for days and telling all our friends, and everyone already knew.

Maybe they thought I would overreact?

He was only in the hospital for a week, guys.

Anyway, it was a solid letter. 

The best part is that last week, the Church changed its policy

(pretty sure this is now Church-wide, and not just by mission) 

and now all missionaries can email their friends (time permitting, of course)!

So next time anybody is in the hospital, I might find out before they're dead.

I am so proud of all my friends. It's kind of amazing what we're witnessing in the Church right now.

I will also take this opportunity to answer everybody's question: I would love to, but not right now.